In One Head and Out the Other
(The New Emerging Bigot) LP undated, circa 1965
Side 1
The Cab Driver and the Conventioneer (13:35)
Side 2
The Faith Healer (11:09)
The Immobile Thumb The Communist Plot The Mess
Make-A-Song (2:39)
The Cab Driver and the Conventioneer:
This sketch
was Burns and Schreiber's most famous and I've read that
they got sick of performing it. This recording, taken
from the "hungry i" in San Francisco, is undated. Long-time
B&S fan Robert Resnick emailed me that the record was
already out by 1967 when they had their Our Place
gig. (Thank you!). An article on B&S in the July 2-8 1967 TV Channels
guide from the Detroit Free Press implies that the
record was released in 1965. At this time, Jack Burns was a youthful-looking
31 year old but, in his usual passenger role, he
plays the part of a loud, obnoxious passenger probably in
his late 40s who enjoys
talking with great repetition about people the cab driver
has never heard of, girls who were "all over" him,
and his time in the military at Fort Dix during "the
rough years, '45, '46, '47." Within his many
harangues are some racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic
(Schreiber in character and life was Jewish), and anti-Communist
comments including the following gems:
"Listen, you'd drink too if you had Dave's cross to bear.
He's got a son that's an albino. I said, Dave, I said,
remember this. I said, Dave, it could a blessing in
disguise. I said, Don't take it too hard, Dave.
The good lord moves in mysterious ways. I said, remember
Dave. I said, remember, you can never be too white."
[Delayed audience reaction as if they were thinking, 'Did
he really say that']
The Conventioneer [Burns]: "Them Commies are everywhere.
Oh, them Commies are
everywhere, you look. Are you kidding me? Everywhere,
everywhere these days."
The Cab Driver [Schreiber]: "Yeah, there goes one now,
you see 'em? I'll try to hit the next one for ya."
The Conventioneer [about his ex-wife]: "She was a saint, she
was too good for me, I was a bum. She's a saint, she's
a saint. Here, I got a picture of her right here.
That's a saint."
The Cab Driver: "I never saw one before."
The Conventioneer: "Of course not, you're Jewish, you
don't have saints."
The Cab Driver: "We've got prophets."
Jack Burns as Rev. Moley attempting to "heal" Avery
Schreiber's crippled hand by having the lord
make "the one hand like the other." I think you know
how that turns out.
The Faith Healer
This recording was also made
at the "hungry i" in San Francisco. Jack Burns is Reverend
Holy Moley, an evangelist for the "divine faith healing and
Christian crusade against Communism." He asks his
audience to "send whatever you can, be it a penny, a dime,
or a dollar to 'Kill a Commie for Christ' Box 224,
Tulsa OK." Here are my two favorite of his attempts at "healing":
First, is the foreign man with immobility who, unfortunately,
is not healed during that session:
Holy Moley: "He was not cured because Jesus was not
in his heart. Why was he not cured? You heard his
accent. He came up from Godless Cuba. This sp*c comes
up here and wants God to cure him? My friends, God will not
cure no sp*cs!"
Then Avery Schreiber uses his thickest Jewish accent
as another poor unfortunate needing healing which results in
this classic bit of dialogue:
Holy Moley: "Are you one of us?"
Unfortunate: "I'm a convert."
Holy Moley: "That's all right, that's quite all right.
I understand that He was, too."
Make-A-Song:
This is improv at its finest. Performed at the Cellar
Door Night Club in Washington [state?], Burns
asks the audience for the following to use in the lyrics for an
improvisational folk song: a mode of transportation,
a family member, a moment in time, a proverb or old
saying. The audience gives him roller skates, mother-in-law,
a light year, and the 'saying' "Game called on account of rain" to work
with. Schreiber strums the guitar a few times and then
sings this very clever song using those four elements.
I don't want to give it away, so find the album!
Burns' & Schreiber's Pure B.S.! Little David Records, 1973
Side 1
Dial-a-Friend (4:33)
Youth Wants to Know (6:18)
The Faith Healer
Part 1--Holy Moley (2:54)
Part 2--First Phone Call (3:20)
Part 3--Giant Communist Frogs (5:20)
Part 4--Second Phone Call (2:59)
Side 2
The Man From P.R.O.D. (5:18)
Family Reunion (9:01)
Booze (2:42)
The Cab Driver (8:57)
The Watergate Comedy Hour Hidden Records, 1973 and re-released on Little David
Records, 1976. The 1973 release has a black and white
cover with an old lady with blindfold lifted above
one eye as "Justice". The 1976 re-release has a color cover with
President Gerald Ford as "Justice." This later edition also
has a doctored photo of Burns and Schreiber on the back, their
heads on the bodies of unidentified Watergaters. The
b&w issue has no photo of Burns, so I, of course,
favor the second issue.
Side 1
*Watergate Comedy Hour (5:25)
*The Plan (2:08)
*The Break In (6:18)
Special Investigator (1:52)
Side 2
*Youth Wants to Know (5:58)
The Meeting (1:44)
*Ron Ziegler Meets the Press (3:03)
The Reverend and the President (1:56)
The President's Prayer (2:23)
* -- Jack Burns is one of the performers
Life With Liz & Dick Roulette Records (R-25292), undated
Burns did not write any of the material on this album, but he is the
voice of the "Salesman" on the track "The Book Store." Schreiber appears
on the tracks "The Painters," "The Poetry Recital," and "The Divorce."
The humor is, of course, based on Elizabeth Taylor and her fifth husband Richard Burton
who were married from March 1964-June 1974 and remarried from October 1975-August 1976.
Of this experience, Jack Burns explains in
The Second City by Donna McCrohan, pg. 166:
"There's never been anything that's compared to the
intellectual stimulation, the creative stimulation,
the joy and camaraderie of Second City...It's very
strange. I'm very antiwar, and yet in only two places in my
life have I felt that camaraderie. One was in the Marine
Corps and the other was Second City, and they both had
a sense of discipline...It was like a commune. It was
the sixties. Second City was, in many ways, the
highlight of my life."
The Second City Report: The Cosa Nostra Story Smash Records (Monaural MGS 27045), undated, circa early 1960s
Jack Burns wrote all the material on this album ("Cosa Nostra Tango" written by Burns
and Schreiber). The back cover includes the following dedication:
"'A society,' said John Merchant, 'is judged by the cleverness, the Savoir Faire, and the romanticism
of its criminals.'
By this test our society was revealed, at the recent senate hearings on organized crime, to be
singularly lacking in appeal.
The sordid tales of drug-running, thuggery, murder, gambling, etc., are unrelieved by cleverness, Savoir Faire,
and romanticism.
Therefore, if crime must exist, then we dedicate this album to lovelier, more imaginative crime,
hoping to play our own small part in bringing this about."
This record was no doubt inspired by the Senate hearings on organized crime during the Kennedy administration which
were lead by Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy. The Kennedy's attention to fighting organized crime
continues to fuel the flames of conspiracy theorists who believe the mob orchestrated the assassination
of JFK.
Side 1
Senator McClobber (3:12)
Senate Hearing Part I--The Table (5:05)
Cosa Nostra Tango (4:38)
Senate Hearing Part II--The Initiation (2:11)
Side 2
Senate Hearing Part III--The Lunchbreak (2:55)
The Heist (3:05)
Senate Hearing Part IV--The Kiss Of Death (3:14)
The Public And The Cosa Nostra (6:40)
At the PlayBoy Club Tonight
Burns & Carlin ERA Records, Undated.
This record was recorded in 1960 at Cosmo's Alley
in Hollywood (not at the Playboy Club), but was
not released until 1963.
This is what is on the back of the LP cover
(the text is in the shape of a woman's hourglass
torso with the title of the record on her bra)
The world has known many great teams---Adam and Eve,
Stanley and Livingstone, Sears and Roebuck, spaghetti
and meatballs. Now, to this lustrous list are added
the names of Burns and Carlin. Burns and Carlin?
You don't know? Well, let it be stated here and now
that Burns and Carlin are very well known to their
families and a small circle of intimate friends.
For those whose lives have not yet been enriched, let
us state further that Burns and Carlin are comedians,
and twice as funny as most comedians. Because there are
two of them. There is no truth to the rumor that Era
Records chose to make an album of Burns and Carlin
because they were the only two comedians left. There
were other reasons. Like comedians are notorious
egomaniacs, so it was safe to assume that Burns and
Carlin would themselves buy enough albums to get Era
off the hook. For people around the country who might
say "Where have I heard that name before?" or "Where
have I heard that voice before?" (or, heaven forbid,
"Where have I heard that joke before?") a few
biographical notes might be in order. Jack Burns is not
George Burns, although this wouldn't be such a bad idea
for an aspiring young comic. Born in Massachusetts,
Jack spent about twenty years reaching the age of
twenty and shortly thereafter joined the Marines.
Life as a leatherneck gave him courage enough to try
anything, so he became a post-war actor in an
off-Broadway production of "Tea and Sympathy." It
turned out that he needed more tea and sympathy than
New York could offer so he returned home to Boston
and became a radio announcer. Meanwhile, back in
New York, George Carlin had been born. He learned
how to play one-old-cat, teased girls, survived a case
of adolescent pimples, and when the War came he joined
the Air Force. By spending most of his time as a
commercial disc jockey in Ft. Worth, he managed not to
impede the Allied effort and victory soon was ours.
For reasons thus far unrevealed, he subsequently moved
to Boston. As the old witch sighed as they set her
afire, "Tis the hand of Fate that rocks the cradle of
liberty." Which may explain how Jack and George
happened to meet in Boston. Influenced no doubt by the
Reverend Edward Payson Steagle who was once heard to
say, "East is East and West is West and North is North
and South is South," Jack and George migrated to
Texas, where they continued their radio careers and
collected free drinks by telling jokes out loud in Ft.
Worth night clubs. With Aimee Semple McPherson long
gone and artichokes growing like mad up around Santa
Cruz, Jack and George figured that California, or
more particularly Hollywood, was where they really
belonged. So they wrapped up their act and came west.
Employed by radio station KDAY as disc jockeys, they
escaped the attention of the Federal Communications
Commission long enough to jolly up goodly portions of
early-rising Los Angeles, including Murray Becker.
Becker heard the boys and quickly concluded that they
had a much bigger potential than competing with time
signals, freeway reports and stomach tranquilizers.
So he became their manager and co-writer (on both
material and loans) and booked them into a fashionable
beatnik bistro called Cosmo Alley. Here they were an
overnight sensation, eliciting such critical responses
as "fabulous comic duo," "new comedy team smash hit,"
"hilarious performance," "dull and disgusting,"
"scintillating satire marks debut," etc. Jack Paar's
far-flung scouts lost no time in grabbing Burns and
Carlin for the insomnia circuit and then Playboy
magazine (the Good Housekeeping of people who keep
houses) adopted young Jack and young George as their
very own. And now, directly from the Playboy Club
(whatever and wherever that is) the waiting world can
at long last hear not the sick but definitely ailing
humor of Inside-out Burns and Outside-in Carlin.
Their minds are more unbuttoned than buttoned-down
[a reference to Bob Newhart's successful comedy LP]
and they agree with Admiral John Sahl Jones who
assured his men as they rowed towards the flagship,
"In the future lies a head!"
Side 1
Mothers Club (5:41)
Killer Carlin (3:00)
Captain Jack & Jolly George (4:17)
War Pictures (4:39)
Side 2
Herb Coolhouse (5:54)
Edward R. Murrow (4:05)
Lenny Bruce-Mort Sahl (5:46)
The above LP
was re-released in 1972 with a different track
order under the following title:
The Original George Carlin
Featuring George Carlin with Jack Burns ERA Records, 1972 (recorded in 1960)
Side 1
Mother's Club (4:35)
Herb Coolhouse (4:23)
The Original "Person to Person" (3:50)
Captain Jack and Jolly George (2:34)
Side 2
Lenny Bruce (2:05)
Mort Sahl (3:31)
Killer Carlin (3:00)
War Pictures (4:33)
Check out other Burns and Schreiber pages:
Burns and Schreiber in Our Place
Burns and Schreiber on The Flip Wilson Show
Burns & Schreiber on The Hollywood Palace
Click Jack Burns to start reading a two-part biography
And check out Jack Burns when he guest hosted
Saturday Night Live!!!
